Archives for June 2016

the things I’ve learned in 31.5 years of life.

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I’m only 31, I’m not 90, so I have not lived but a 1/3 of my life .. maybe less than, perhaps a little more.  Either way; what I have learned in my first 31 and a half years of life and the things I carry close to me are these few things:

Appreciate the low points in life just as you do the highs.

Life isn’t always peachy, in fact there are times where we feel pretty downright crappppppppp.py. I know you’re rolling your eyes in a -“thank you for the obvious statement,” sort of way. But that isn’t my point, my point is It’s how you react and how you look at these situations, how you approach them and what you take away from them to help you get through it in the now and how  and what you become in the future. I have learned to appreciate the real deep valleys as much as I do the really high highs. I have to be honest.. My lowest wasn’t but a couple of months ago, but in addition to that never once did I say “oh whoa is me.” No, I have never been more grateful. Because in those moments I knew it was just a strength building exercise that was necessary to be where I am today. I embraced the shit as much as I could. I cried a lot. I journaled a lot, I prayed all day long. Life will always go on, and unless you choose to hold on to the really sad and depressing moments, instead of learning and growing from them, you will never be able to appreciate the firey highs. How will you ever know if you even reach a really high, high if you don’t let yourself endure and appreciate and BE in the lows. AHHHH! LIFE IS GOOD, even when life doesn’t seem to be.

Let Go.

Life is going to throw you curve balls and low balls, and high balls, hard balls and foul balls.. A lot of freaking balls.. So watch your face.

Like you think you can tell what the future is going to hold. You think you at least have an idea of what your path is going to look like.  A blueprint of sorts.  Don’t get me wrong, I completely believe in manifesting everything you want. I also believe that you have to be clear in your vision of desire and be flexible as they start to roll in one by one, because the path to get to each end goal may look completely different than what you had imagined. It’s ok to let it be fuzzy. It’s ok to let life move the way it is going to. It’s ok to let go and release that feeling of- “I must control everything that happens to and in my life.” It’s more of an adventure if you step back and watch, hang on and enjoy the ride.

So I let go.

Don’t be lazy.

Or maybe do be lazy?  It’s ok to take a breather every now and again.  Especially when life cuts you at your knees.  Breathe and chill out, but get back up.

There have been plenty of moments in my life where I have thought– “I think my life is almost over. I feel like I have done what I’m supposed to do here.” I also feel like that is me giving up and being lazy so I don’t have to work too hard to get out of this place of stagnation. The reality here is that I want to be more than who I am right now. I want to be less of the definition of inertia and more of the object that changes that stagnant mentality.

Travel.

I am who I am because I have been fortunate enough to spend my entire life traveling, thanks to my parents,  grandparents and best friends. This has always been one of MY FAVORITE things to do. It’s been the most constant thing in my life that has given me butterflies or a jump in my heart like a jolt of electricity every time I think about all that’s to come, all that’s to be experienced. What I don’t understand is why I can’t wake up to that feeling every day, because even though routine may play a huge part in it, you really never know what kind of adventure you might find yourself in.

Case and point:

Two weekends ago, my Kylie,  Ryan and I headed to the airport with the intent of spending a weekend in Denver. We were flying on standby.  We arrived at our gate only to find that everyone else had the very same idea. We sat at the little cantina across from our gate and started pondering other options. With my mom texting me back and forth we asked her if we had any other options. She asked us if we wanted to try a later flight, and we replied with a; “maybe, but where else could we go if not?”  Flights were really booked up anyway all night so, Her response was “pick a city, any city.” So as everyone standing around us in this small little restaurant started chiming in with their destinations and their input on where we should end up, I knew Ky had never been to San Francisco, and we also knew we didn’t want to be anywhere near 100 degree weather, even Denver was failing us there. So we threw out the city San Fran and mom replied with “flights are wide open there and coming home!” So after being denied seats on the 2:10 flight to Denver, we had the lovely gate agents switch our flight to the 2:45 flight to the northwest. We booked a hotel at the Wharf, I grabbed 4 cookies at Paradise Bakery and we headed to our new gate. Ryan randomly ran in to a man who went to high school with him in Utah who proceeded to drop us 6 drink tickets and we bailed on the heat. We had the best weekend! Completely unexpected and 100% spontaneous. They are two of my greatest adventurers, friends, family that I could have ever hoped for, prayed for, wished for. I would do anything for them. It’s more fun to go with the flow. Again, LET GO and expect everything to be better than you could ever imagine.

DO ALL THINGS WITH LOVE and override your damn Ego.

Who cares what anyone else thinks about you. Obviously if you are out vandalizing property or hurting others or doing terrible things- you should care, and you probably don’t.

If you are choosing to live the way you wish to live without harming anyone around you, and instead choose to build others up by just simply being the most truest version of you.. why would you care about anyone else’s opinion? You want mom and dad and your grandparents and siblings to all approve of you and be ok with who you are. If you are doing what you love, and you are doing everything you do through love, then you should let go of ego,  the little voice sitting in your mind asking you and doubting your every move: “ahh what am I doing? Who is going to judge me for that? What if they don’t like me? What if i don’t fit in? Why are they looking at me? Is it my outfit? I should be more like this or more like that person or do more things like this person.” Oh, but what if you go about your business being YOU and YOU inspire those around you by just simply being? What if? Drop your ego, you are more than that.  BE you and do all things through love. You can never go wrong when you lead with your heart.

FIND, CREATE, LOVE YOUR TRIBE. Hard. 

Your friends can be more like family than your own family can be.
My friends have become my soulmates, my confidants, these are the people I entrust with my entire life. I tell them more and rely on them more heavily than most of my family members. In fact I don’t even talk to most of my family because I don’t connect with them like I do my friends. I love them, I didn’t choose them, so I feel I have some sort of obligation to love them. I know that all sounds terrible, but my friends, my core solid group of friends, who I have known for all of my life and even some who I have known just a few years of it, have become my whole world. I am grateful and there is no guilt there for feeling any differently. I love my world. Of course my sister doubles as my sister and my best friend, my parents, they drive me literally to the verge of insanity at time, but I think that’s why they are my parents. And a few of the other odds and ends, but you get it. You can choose your family. I don’t get the saying, “you choose your friends, not your family.” You are born in to a group of people, but who says you are stuck with just those people? You can pick your family. You most definitely can. Find your tribe, love them hard and keep them extra close.

DON’T HOLD GRUDGES

People will betray you; friends, family, people you don’t even know. You may betray family or friends, by accident, on purpose.. whatever, but if you do; apologize for it and mean it. I am so guilty of being so dumb. I’m all about being my own person and when I feel a certain way so strongly I let mY words fall out of my face before I get to filter them through my brain. I have hurt plenty of people throughout my life, some intentionally, some out of pure anger or frustration, and some completely by miscommunication and using the wrong words or formulating poor sentences. The people closest to me are the people who experience the uglier side of me. I think that goes for most without saying. We don’t entrust just the good with those people, we entrust our entire selves with them. And that’s why we love them extra hard because of acceptance.  We love all of them for exactly who they are and vice versa.  We are only human we are not perfection. I don’t strive to be perfect. I can only pick myself up and learn from not only my own mistakes, but from those who have hurt me. Don’t hold grudges, don’t hold on to anger. Always forgive and let yourself be light. Heaviness is a burden and happiness is so much more fulfilling. Again, let go.

Compromise

This is part two of the last one. It’s good to have values,  morals and be who you are and be true to that,  but when you choose to live your life with someone else, spouse or friend or family, you have to realize that living situation isn’t going to be JUST about you. If you are living alone, fine, But when interacting with others, you have to think about others and consider their feelings and their morals and values as well.

I am 31 and I do not have children because I, A. haven’t always wanted my own kids, I always thought I would adopt. B. Wasn’t with someone who wanted children. C. I don’t know that I can have my own children. And D. I couldn’t wait to find someone who wanted to have kids with me. BONUS: I just wasn’t ready to sacrifice my own wants and needs for someone elses entirely. I’m not ready to give up that part of me. Or at least up until now.

I am 31, I do not have children, but I have a world full of people who mean everything to me and when I consider their feelings before going with what I want first, I know I can’t be entirely unhappy with my decisions. Always Give more than you take.

Expect Nothing.

Give whatever you choose to give without the expectation of receiving anything in return. In doing so you have given yourself permission to be at peace and the permission of feeling pure joy and happiness. You have the ability to fill yourself with all you need by giving just because you choose to. Love, happiness, contentment. You can never be disappointed when you give without expectation.

Love animals.

They are the truest example of loving fully without the expectation of receiving any love in return. I’m certain dogs were set on this earth to do nothing more than to love and protect their people. They are full of love. We are all full of love. It is the world and the outside influences that cause our opinions, behavior and thoughts to change. But we are all beings of pure light and love and it is our responsibility to see and act with love. That place is always within you, seek and you shall find. if you seek and you miss… get a dog, they are the purest and surest way to show you you are worthy of every ounce of love you are given.

Money isn’t everything.

To get anywhere in life you need money. I guess? I mean to do most things it requires money, but it does not control me in any way shape or form. I teach yoga because it makes me happier than any other job I have ever held in the 31 years of my existence. I have never felt more sure of something. Do I make a lot of money doing it? HELLLLLL to the no. Could I? Yep. I just haven’t forced myself to do more because currently I am just allowing myself time to get through these days and moments of life, I’ll be blowing it up soon. So stay tuned. In the mean time… money doesn’t motivate me. Traveling does, eating does, and working out does, people do. Money does not. Make money, pay your bills, and then live your life. If you wake up tomorrow or if you don’t, make sure today was worth it.

Manifest

I believe that if you want something bad enough, if you visualize it and pray about it and want something enough, you will have it. That’s the end of that statement. Don’t give up, don’t stop dreaming. Just know that whatever you desire you can have and you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER SETTLE for anything less. EVER. I can’t stress that statement enough. NEVER. SETTLE.  YOU are worth it.

Find what makes you tick, what calms you, what feeds your soul. Go there, do that, roll in that.

Live your life doing what you love, even if you mistake it for just a hobby, if it lights you up, make it into something profitable and live off of that. Find something you love, do it every day and you will never work a day in your life. You deserve that. Even if it isn’t the only thing you do, make it a part of what you do.

I can’t live without a good sweat at least 5-6 days out of the week. It is what gets me going every day. If sweating isn’t your thing, do something (healthy) for yourself that’s going to accelerate your happy: swim, knit, pet your cat, dance, drink tea and then you should definitely do yoga. <Yoga is magic and everyone should.. It’s a natural anti depressant and that’s just a tiny chip of he benefits it brings>-stepping off soap box.

Spend time with the people who matter most to you.

I love pen-to-paper, hand written notes. I love spending all of my time with people who fill my heart with joy. They refill me energetically and emotionally. Sure it can be draining, but when you give with love, you usually receive in the same way. I have handfuls of greatness when it comes to best friends and most of them are out of state. I do my best to check in often or at least somewhat often, and every time I think of them I shoot a text bc I want them to know they are always on my heart and in my mind. It takes little effort in the grand scheme of things. They are huge. You are a huge piece of my being and I don’t want you to ever doubt that. Send notes through the mail, a text an email, call, FaceTime .. Do something.  You don’t have an excuse not to.

Judge Less

Everyone is on their own journey, good, bad or ugly.  So instead of judging anyone based on their outer appearance, based on the food they are eating, the clothes they are wearing, treat them as you would like to be treated.  Treat them as very important human beings.  Because everyone is.  We are all here just trying to get through this life so support and encourage one another, build each other up, because there will come a time you will need that and they will remember how you made them feel.  Make them feel loved and make them feel important.  You are loved. You are a very important human, without you the world would be missing something and we are all connected.  So love. Hard. Judge less.

Eat good food and listen to music that fits your mood.

It doesn’t always have to be cheerful, but music which seems fitting. And food- make sure it’s always good. If you’re on a diet and you choose to try something off the restricted menu, don’t beat yourself up over it, enjoy it. Your body happily digests when you let go of the self deprecating conversations. In fact your body physically manifests the crap you are mentally feeding it.  So be kinder to yourself.  Give yourself happy pep talks.  Did you enjoy that piece of cake? Well you should have! You deserve your cake and you deserve to eat it. So live a little. Dance a lot, cry when you need to, and eat your damn cake and tell yourself it’s ok! Because you’re worth it.  Don’t let anyone else’s thoughts get in the way of your own.  You’re amazing.  Don’t ever forget that.

 

Love fully, give without expectation , and live in your truth always.

 

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What you seek, is seeking you- Rumi

 


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After 10 weeks in a boot, some physical therapy and a swollen hand in a splint for another 3 weeks,  my time in black boots and casts has officially come to a close.

This is a little behind because with a hand injury, washing my right arm was a task, let alone typing.  Who knew you needed your pinky’s for so many keys when typing?  Seriously.  In fact, who knew you rely upon your non dominant hand as heavily and as often as you actually do? I guess this all falls under the theme of: You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Interestingly enough, each of my injuries were simply manifestations from my life in its entirety.  I was having issues moving forward in life because I felt the very opposite.  I felt held back and repressed from doing anything I thought I might be good at, afraid of pushing for something unknown, but I also felt completely stuck.  (Ah, leg injury). Well that boot was a part of my life for far too long, I eventually got the hint.  My hand had everything to do with the aftermath of my emotional madness.

Breathing life back in to myself after separating from my (ex)husband (and most recently, divorce) and regaining strength in those areas of my life  I thought I had lost, have all been such significant pieces of the rebuilding process.  I know time and love will be all that’s needed in order to heal, and I’m in that place where I would change nothing.  Literally, Nothing.  I am here to live fully and love whole heartedly, no regrets, not seeking answers, just pure surrender and trust that God will be there to hold me up.  Undoubtedly, he has.  He has provided me all of his best of the best Earth Angels to surround me and hold me in a safe space during this time and here I am;  Full, alive, happy and lighter than I have felt in such a long time.

Life is good, life is really, really good- this is in no way an over exaggeration and I am indebted to those angels mentioned above, but also know, this decision was mutual.  Although I have never experienced such a feeling of brokenness, of heaviness, I have, at the same time, never felt so whole, so complete, all the things I feel today.  Everything with time.  Kasey and I didn’t end anything on bad terms, there was no big ah-ha!  We ended with humble hearts, respect, kindness and a lot of love towards one another.   I suppose if you are going to experience something so life altering, doing so together with dignity is my preferred method of an ending.  Why should I be angry when my path has ultimately lead me here?  This is where I am supposed to be, I’m certain of it.  I am grateful for him as much as I am for anyone and everyone else who has been a part of my journey.  I am filled with gratitude.image

Everything is temporary, Never stop seeking fire.

“It’s hard to believe that it’s wrong to want more than the truest of blue and a love like a roar, I will run to wherever I want to go… ” -New Constellations/Ryn Weaver

tHank you for your love, your support, and for reading.  All of my love and with so much gratitude, always…🙏🏼🙌🏼❤️

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Pictured above was the night I went to the hospital for my hand, combined with the morning after brunch with my Kylie.  She and her husband, Ryan have been everything to me throughout this process.  I was In a state of bewilderment and complete defeat… This collage of photos .. Up until this point, represents the most exhausting, most broken, most unbelievable days in this history of my life.  I tried to record everything I could in real time because in general my life is usually sitting pretty, somewhere at a high between 8-10 on a scale of -50 to 10. So I found myself enjoying those real shitty moments more so than I thought I could ever.  I knew when I came back I would be more grateful tHan I ever could have imagined.  The amount of pain I was in physically, emotionally and mentally were completely blowing my mind.  So documented,  these days were.  And today I am at a level 15 on that same scale.  I am just so in awe of life, I am so in love with life.

As it states above: “be open to it being way better than you could have ever imagined.” And so it is. 🙏🏼

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