Archives for November 2016

Holy. Weekend.


November 6, 2010 I completed my TRX Certification,

November 5, 2011, I completed and passed my NASM Personal Training certification.

In 2011 at this time I was also in Yoga Teacher Training and it completely changed my life forever.

This past weekend, November 5 and 6, 2016 I accomplished what I would consider to be, one of the most difficult things I have ever done.  I spent both days at Shambhala, working through “The Art of Being Human” part 1.  Which means there are 4 more parts to this phenomena.

I spent the weekend with Britney and a room full of strangers; all of whome never actually felt like strangers at all;  sitting on a cushion to meditate intertwined with walking meditation, some short yoga sequences, my mind, and a couple of meals. I’m always eating.  There was a lot of significance to this weekend.  One. I spent it with a dear friend from Yoga Teacher Training.  Two. our guru, our teacher TrainER was one of our teachers this weekend.  He has been one of the most incredible, most influential human beings of my lifetime and to have had him for another life shift is just beyond,  I have such a love for him.  Three, I had to sit with myself and breathe and think and breathe and feel.  I’m a good thinker and feeler, and I’m great at journaling and letting everyone else know how I think and feel, but I still had to deal with a LOT of thinking and feeling.

I have spent many of moments in meditation, but it has been a long while since I last meditated and I have never sat for longer than 30 minutes in one sitting. This was a weekend of meditation.   Emphasis on weekend.  20 minutes of sitting followed by 10 minutes of walking meditation followed by 20 minutes of sitting, … repeat. Repeat. repeat.  I had to be quiet.  I had to adjust my posture frequently (especially day two) because my back had zero support and it was getting really tired.  I had to stretch out whenever I could, I had to keep my hips from giving out on me, I had to continually pull myself back to my breath.  Continually.  Then again, THAT is meditation.

But we are constantly thinking right? So thoughts come, we watch them, acknowledge them and then we either let them pull us in, or we let them go as soon as we see them.  Either way there is no right or wrong way to go about it.  You just let everything simply be without fighting it, bring yourself back to your breath when you are able and eventually you just dive so deep in to yourself that thoughts don’t invade your state of mind.  Here are just a few thoughts that invaded my mind on and off this weekend.

-are my toes getting shorter?
-There are horses in the wood floor
-This wood floor isn’t actually wood because this pattern repeats itself, they flipped every piece so most people wouldn’t notice.  Sneaky bastards.
-I wonder if wood flooring would be the best thing to help ground yourself.  I think bamboo is easy to grow so I wouldn’t be ruining the rainforest by using bamboo wood for my next home.
-I swear if I have to look at this flower patter for one more minute…
-That cat.  Who named that cat?
-I wonder if they forgot to watch the time?  I have been sitting here for a long time.
-certain somebody—chest pain .. why does my heart hurt?  Watch. Watch. watch, breathe. Breathe. breathe. Sigh. Relief.
-My toes are DEFINITELy getting shorter.  Is this because of yoga?
-My funeral; I wonder who is going to show up, will they cry?  Oh they are crying.  I wonder who will speak and what they will say?  I hope when I die I have done amazing things and I impact a lot of people in a positive way along the way.  Oh people are still crying.  #wellthatssemidark
-My hair is everywhere, should I announce my apologies to the room and then note that it is a parting gift from me and a souvenir from the weekend?  Perhaps…that would be inappropriate. -I think I’m good at this.  Oh yes, Really good, breathe.
-i breathe in, I breathe out.  I Inhale, I exhale.
-Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.
-That is so funny that Brit gave the outlet eyelashes?
-More chest pain. -I hope Brit is OK, she’s shifting a lot.  Can I reach out and hug her?  No probably not, this is supposed to be about me and my crap.  But I think she needs me to hug her.  She hates hugs.  But she’ll accept my hugs.  I force my love on her.  Ok breathe breathe. breathe.
-I think I’m going to fall asleep for a minute.  I think I fell asleep. I hope we get nap time.
-He has MOST DEFINITELY forgotten what time we started this sit.  I think we have been here for 3 hours now.
-Great Eastern Sun
-My Doppelganger is on the wall. (it’s an angry lion) Do not laugh. DO NOT laugh.

By the end of the weekend I wanted to lose. My. Mind. I was in pain physically, I was drained mentally I was emotionally exhausted and I was hungry.  I’m always hungry, but I was really hungry after all of that.

I went home with the mindset of; “I should not be around anyone because I’m beginning to feel like I do post half marathons.. “ AKA: that- “my hormones are totally jacked up right now and I can’t process life so being still and quiet is where I need to be right now, – sensation. On top of that.. my parents, mom who I love dearly- loves playing 20 questions so I knew that could end in devastation.  But I went with it.  “Just let whatever happens, happen, Kiley.”  Epic pep talk fail.  Anyway.

This week I’m processing. A lot.  My chest feels light, but early on in the weekend it got so itchy, and then it broke out in a rash.  Brit was happy to laugh and point and express what we both knew: “AHHH Your heart chakra!!!  You’ve gotta deal with feelings!”  It was interesting.  So much emotional BS manifesting into physical is just so incredible to me.  We are incredible beings of life.  Life is just, overall interesting.

Checking in with yourself to see how you are feeling is so important.   “today I feel this.” Check in when you wake up every morning because you will always feel different.  Don’t seek negative feelings, notice everything, the good and the not so good, but without labeling any of it.  Just watch it.  You are enough.  You are perfect. It’s when we start to pick ourselves a part that our bodies start to respond physically.

So give yourself some love every day. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful, handsome, stunning, a stud.  Be kind, say hi to your feet, your hands, tell your mind how brilliant it is.  Tell your heart how loving it is.  This is the only body each of us are going to get in this lifetime so we might as well treat it as such.

This week I expect happiness and I expect irritability and extreme sleepiness. I don’t know what to expect really,  because I have never spent so many hours meditating in my life, especially over the span of one weekend.  So if anything insane happens, I’ll fill you in.  For now.  I will enjoy just that.  The now.



the-beginning stuartday-2

just the day to day

kinda wanna

I cannot believe it’s October 31.  Just like every year on this date the weather finally broke and fall has arrived.

If I told you everything I have been up to, I would be beginning this entry with “Chapter 15 of 80.”  My girlfriend Sam said to me yesterday; “I feel like I miss 10 chapters of your life when I’m away from you for a single day.”  Accurate, as do I.  So much so I wish I had time to journal on the daily just to remember this time in my life.

This past week my family suffered a tragic loss of my cousins baby girl.  It was truly a tragedy.  The story was all over the news.  It was a straight up nightmare and after the funeral and memorial service was all said and done, we spent the rest of the day together.  I think it’s what we all really needed.. and on top of that I ate a box of cookies, a bag of white chocolate covered pretzels and a giantttt cupcake.  My body is so angry.  But everything in me was sad, so it didn’t matter.  It still doesn’t matter.  Just eating my emotions like a rational human.

I have been so busy I haven’t actually spent much time at home.  My room is trashed, I’ve been between houses because I have been house sitting.  My weekends disappear in to the weeks which just happen to be there to bookend them.  My mind is chaos and it’s somewhat miraculous that I’m able to keep my days straight.  Although I do walk in to my lifetime class thinking it’s the wrong day since it’s my very first class of every week and my very last.  Either way.

I spend my time working, some of it with friends and the rest of it I try to sleep.  I’m trying so hard to go with the flow and be everywhere at once, but when I get to this point, I end up falling off a cliff and landing back in hibernation… so it should be interesting with the weather change.  With the change in season, I feel a lot of change coming and to be honest I just cannot wait for this election to be here and gone.  The energy it’s creating is chaotic and it’s really messing with my qi 😉 .  However.  With the change in weather, I have accumulated a lot of new boots that are begging to be warn, so I can’t hibernate ALL winter long.

This year, the year of 2016 has continued to subtly and not so subtly try my patience.  I know it’s all for learning and I realize my life up until this year has been relatively smooth sailing, but this has been OUT OF CONTROL.  I HEAR YOU GOD-THROW ME A FRICKEN BONE HERE!

This weekend should give me a lot to write about.  So stay tuned.  I plan on being an entirely different human on the other side of it.


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