Week 11

Week 11

EXTRA EXTRAAAAA: The big news! and pretty much my only news!!!::: my belly popped. My app wasn’t wrong. Week 10 was going to be the week I started to show and although it waited until ALMOST week 11, it’s here!  I kept telling Andrew “it’s food.” He keeps responding with “ok” and an eye roll. I thought for sure it would be a little longer, but I’m pretty excited to look really ‘full.’

I sent a bump-date photo to my best friends and my sisters. Of course Brenda responds with “You ate carbs didn’t you?” Kit responded with “Gluten baby”
And that’s how I feel. Full and Bloated like I ate a lot of gluten.. which I have been so it could very well be a combo of both babes and fries.

Things I’ve noticed this week:

  • I’m hungry.
  • Still hungry.
    • But this week I’ve discovered that if I go more than 3 hours without food I start to get the symptoms of a migraine and if I don’t get food stat, I end up with one. It takes a lot of food to fix this issue. I know it’s coming on when I start to lose vision or I get blurry vision in my left eye.
      So now I know to run for food.

Andrew quit<—- andrews contribution

That’s a quick update! Aside from a bit of a belly- nothing new to report.  We are getting closer to the end of trimester UNO. HOLLLLER!

Week 10

Week 10

Little Nugget/Little Ovie is a strawberry

Well leading up to this point it’s been on again off again with nausea and exhaustion. I have been taking anti nausea meds so happiness as a human has finally taken affect.

Just a few days ago, we all experienced the solar eclipse. That was cool. I watched it on TV. I stayed inside and I waited to eat any food until it was over. Grandma and I feasted on pizza after her weekly doctors appointment and then we went back to my parents house where I proceeded to fall asleep almost immediately. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I laid on the couch and I woke an hour later to Neenie chewing on a napkin she had pulled from the trash. I felt totally disoriented, light headed, exhausted, and hungry.

I have been so hungry. Poor Andrew he literally hears “I am so sick to my stomach.” Or “I’m starving” there’s no in between. I had low back pain from working out this past week, so yoga finally happened and sleeping on the floor was a welcomed change and much more frequent than it has ever been in my lifetime. I took my happy fetus and puppies down to my favorite Chiro to have my first adjustments done. I came home to crash for the rest of the day. Things are looking up.

Our AC went out this week, thankfully our landlord brought us a portable AC unit to attempt to keep our bedroom cool. I slept in front of it with the dogs almost every night.

  • Cravings this week:
    •Eggs and toast
    •Sushi. I want alllll of the sushi!- veggie rolls. I ate four for dinner to celebrate the 10th week of babes. Then the next day I went back for more.
    •Ginger. Thank you Kona grill for the copious amounts of ginger you supplied me with during our visit.
    •Coke Zero/ Diet Coke. Really only when I’m nauseated.
    •French Fries… yep even at 10:30 in the AM
    •Anything bla and high carb
    •Fruit- I bought a strawberry to take a photo with, but I ate it.
    •Spicy – I actually dig wasabi and I’m not typically fan.
    •Ham and cheese crossainwich – I haven’t given in to this craving. Yet.
    Moms old ham and cheese gringos- recipe that tastes like heaven. Don’t take offense to that. It’s what they are called., She promised she’d make it for me. Something with ham. Which is strange and new. I have been totally averted towards anything meat, until now.
    •Pita Pizza from Pita Jungle. It’s all I want in this very particular moment.

Things I can’t believe happened:
Babe wanted filibertos. And although I have never ever eaten here, he has been so accommodating of my cravings I happily agreed: “ok I’m sure I can make that work.”
We got there and I’m not sure if you have ever seen their menu before, But I was instantly nauseated with complete loss of apatite. I squeezed the bag to his burrito (not an innuendo) nice and tight and started my yogic breath until we made it home. Upon our arrival I proceeded to run inside to the pillow I shove in my gut in times of need and the blankets I had left on the floor. I passed out after a few minutes of misery. Waking up to a hunger headache and a belly ache, I drank a shake.

Day after: While I was driving, I had a flashback of the filberts menu and started gagging.
I’ve also gagged at lemon seeds in my lemons- if you know me::: this is my biggest pet peeve even when not pregnant.. I have just now added a level of ‘pathetic.’ It’s been particularly unproductive, While Andrew is busting his ass at work. I’m napping it out and counting down the hours until I can pick him up for dinner dates.

I workout… sort of.
•Sunday: lazy day spent with my best girlfriends and Starbucks.
Monday: cardio. 20 minutes on the stairs- terrible. Some weights. Minimal
•Tuesday: yoga
•Wednesday: chiropractor and a day long nap.
•Thursday: yoga (arrival of week 10)
•Friday: 20 minutes on the bike. 500 meter Row. Some body weight squats, some abdominal exercises. A lot of foam rolling.
•Saturday: Leg Day

Changes:

My app says I can start buying maternity clothes. My best friend says I can wear lulu for more than likely all 3 trimesters. And nothing makes me believe I need to shop yet, except maybe the influence of my app giving me permission to and perhaps because I have outgrown my bras.

My boobs itch. So much. Keeping lotion and argon oil constantly applied has been a non negotiable. When they itch, I know they are growing and I have currently maxed out my 36D bras, but I have been working on this since week 6. This is worrisome to me. I mean I have a ways to go and I would be ok if they stayed right here without growing anymore.

That about sums it all up!

Happy 10 weeks! Xoxoxo

 

Week 9

Week 9: a migraine and an olive.. err cherry. Yes a cherry

Today baby is the size of a cherry! Totally appropriate seeing that I’m from the tart cherry capital of the world.. or whatever. I was overly excited to learn this news!

In some rather non exciting- I’m more like 100 years old and a toddler all scrambled in to one single human being.   I’m winning at this whole pregnancy thing -face palm.-

I woke up to greet week 9 slightly nauseated, but nothing out of the ordinary. I had to run a couple of errands and then I met my girlfriend for breaky. As we waited for our food I started to lose vision in my right eye. It had been too long since I had last eaten.
So food arrived. I inhaled. And as we walked out of the restaurant, the second migraine of my life reappeared and I prayed I’d make it home. Digging my fingers in to my neck and squeezing my head with all my might- I made it to the couch.

I napped. Woke to opinions. Managed to get through the rest of the day with just the residual headache. Nausea on and off and then I woke in the middle of the night to extreme nausea.

Week 9 day 2.. I threw up for the first time (I’m grateful) kori was lucky enough to be on the phone. I mixed and drank my disgusting herb from my herbalist:naturopath in Denver and as soon as I finished it- it was instantly all up and out in the sink. Kori was sweet and funny telling me to breathe through it and asking me if she should be offended.  I got it all out and I laughed.  Oh Life. It’s beautiful.

Later at dinner, Lincoln started coughing so hard he almost threw up so I threw my veggie sandwich down trying my best not to gag. Dramatic and I can’t control it.
Later Andrew finally convinced me to go get the anti nausea meds my Dr. had recommended. I’m so mad I waited. I haven’t felt this good since.. well I don’t remember. Again- face palm-
Best news! Just a few short weeks until I hopefully regain my strength and energy so I can feel a little bit more like me and less like the flu without the help of drugs.

Andrew is the best. When I have days like today and I exclaim things such as “I did nothing today.” And his reply is always “you’re making a baby. That’s a big deal. ” He let me nap instead of picking me up before grabbing Lincoln from school. They went out and bought me flowers and protein bars so I had snacks if I had to leave the house and was unsure of the timing of my next meal.

Day 3. I taught Lincoln how to spit cherry pits bc I feel it’s important he master that skill. In addition to that, Andrew drove me through the McDonalds drive through for French fries and maybe an hour later he drove me through In N Out for more French fries. He loves me.

Week 9 cravings:

  • anything super bla: bread: garlic bread. Sour dough. French fries. Pasta noodles- plain.
  • Pizza because I want the crust.
  • Isagenix Berry shakes.  Still.  I”m afraid I”m going to hate these at some point, but I’ve been consistent with them since May of 2014, so the fact that preggo me still wants them, I’m thrilled and shocked!
  • Sugar is still a no go although I can eat a little bit of it.
  • I’m semi into spicy – depends on the meal.
  • Diet Coke and la croix to settle my tummy.
    He says he can see a bump starting to form, but I am certain it’s the fries.

Working out takes literally everything out of me. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have to just be super mindful now. I tried to go hard today and hurt my low back so bad, I’m walking around hunched over like I’m 100. Andrew kindly reminded me that my body is changing and I can’t expect my body to do all that it has in the past. Especially now. Week 9 is a big deal. He talked me in to cardio instead and cardio I did. And an ice pack and a nap later. #patience

I’m feeling extra grateful and full of love these days. I am so excited to embrace the next few months because I know it’s going to fly by. I just can’t wait to meet and greet 2nd trimester. Come onnnnn baby!

For now- baby cherry and I are off to sleep. Xoxo

Week 8-Moving Home. Again. :)

Week 8

…Or a Raspberry

 

This week has been a very busy week!

I was queezy, but after adding bananas and shakes in to my daily diet a little more frequently, my nausea subsided. It’s true… small, consistent meals throughout the day help the world go round.

My workout schedule was super weak, per usual. Last weekend I was sick. (Beginning of week 7) Like so sick I couldn’t move for two solid days. Monday and Tuesday ( toward middle to end of week 7) this started to taper.

I worked out just three times this past week. Two of which were with my sweet friend Kellie at Fierce45. The workout is done on a Pilates reformer (or a variation of such) and it ruins you in all of the right places. I feel so out of shape and without consistent workouts, muscle mass is slim to barely, making these workouts extra sweaty.

Thursday evening I had dinner w my sar. Picked up the love of my life from the airport, and later that night I spent balled up w a pillow shoved up against my abdomen to alleviate the pain. Poor Andrew didn’t sleep because he had to listen to me moan in pain all night long. I’m sorry babe, thanks for staying in bed with me anyway.

Friday we got up and headed out for our very first ultrasound. Although I have been sick enough to know things were/are happening in all the perfect ways because of how I have been feeling- seeing baby ovie for the first time was unreal. We even got to see babes heartbeat and at 8 weeks 1 day I was completely smitten. It finallllly feels real.

Doc said because we could already see babes heartbeat at this stage, the chance of a miscarriage would be less than 5%. Although this makes my heart dance, I know I’m not out of the woods yet, and I’m continuing to be conscious of baby Ovie. She also looks like a rotisserie chicken or thanksgiving turkey.. legit. There’s a turkey leg. I’m not mad.

Friday we also drove in to the cutest mountain town of Golden to have lunch w my Aunt Bev and Uncle Greg. They were driving home to Phoenix from a little trip they had taken to Michigan. The big news is new so we didn’t share. Not yet. They also didn’t know that I was moving home to Phoenix the next day.. but we kept it all under wraps.

Mom and dad flew in Friday late, Saturday we ate breaky, packed up the rental van and my car and we all – including pups- drove to durango for the eve, and home to Phoenix Sunday.

It’s so silly. This is the exact same weekend my dad drove me back to Phoenix from Michigan back in 2005. Life is funny. I try to get away from AZ, but when I come home it always truly feels like coming home. We moved everything in to Andrews house as soon as we arrived.  I was anxious to get here and now that I am, I’m just so happy and content and the dogs are too.

Although there was this subtle undertone of failure lying within me. The reality is such that I get to be home with my best friend, near my favorite people and even more importantly my family.  I have been missing them all a lot.

I know there is a lot to do now. Job wise, making sure babes solid, making sure my number one feels loved and my puppies feel it too. I can’t come back to the space that forced me to run to begin with. I can’t go back to that story. But I know I have the ability to change it, especially because I get to start at ground zero. But so far, settling in feels good and it feels just as it should.

Life happens when you try to plan for it. I should go back to not planning. I was better at that and a hell of a lot less stressed. My heart already feels lighter. My tummy feels better and bananas and tums are nearby as a failsafe. Now to get back in to my daily workout routines, back on a regular eating schedule with solid food instead of my week 7.5 of feeding all cravings that were less than healthy.. I’m ready to feel good again.

So that’s my update. I’ve got my Andrew, my dogs, my fam and the desert and I feel pretty fortunate to have life settle for real this time.

Love

this- is a fruity pebbles rice crispy treat. Yum.

Baby Nuggets first ultrasound by the WORST OB in all the land. SERIOUSLY. but chicken.

Bumpdate: Week 7- August 5.

Why does the hallway smell like dog piss and food? August 5, 2017

Hello week 7!

This week was only half terrible with morning/afternoon/evening sickness sprinkled with a day and a half of solid, “I Feel ok!”
Last night Sar and I went out to dinner to my favorite restaurant, all I wanted was everything and after getting through a normal day, probably way-too-shy-of-1000-calories daily for the past week, well, last night didn’t do me any favors…

I have yet to throw up so that’s wonderful. I have eaten enough saltines to feed at least myself and 5 of my neighbors- you know, if saltines were a meal.
The poor dogs have been so patient with me because it’s taken literally everything in me to get out of bed and walk them down to go pee. They are the greatest animals and I can’t tell you how much I love and appreciate them. With that, so does everyone else. A trip to the dog run downstairs usually includes obstacles like every single human wanting to love on them.. Which the dogs deserve so I try not to pull the “hey I’m pregnant and I might vomit on you.. if you want to carry them to my apartment so you can love on them as we move, that would be OK. But this is preventing me from my bed, and saltines.” – card. But I mean really – It’s tempting – Really tempting.  On top of that, the hallways have not been cleaned in far too long, or my nose is that of a basset hound and I can smell every fiber, both good and bad, of the carpeting. I also have cracker crumbs down my bra so that feels solid and once I do hit the dog run, I’m down in a little yogi squat trying to keep it all together. I’m a real treat these days. I am pretty certain Andrew wants me to live out the first trimester up here in Denver without him so he can be free of my misery.

Outside of my windows and patio is a frat party at the pool, so I mean corn hole for days and drunk screaming humans is also on my “things I love right now.” List.

Now that I’ve painted the beauty of which is my reality …

Here’s everything that makes me happy:

  • Pizza.
  • Andrew. I mean these two are a close first, but Andrew always shows up. Pizza does not. I love you babe! He was here last weekend, beginning of week 6, and he took the girls out for me every day all day, he brought me sour dough bread, saltines, watermelon. Everything I had on my wish- list and THEN! I wanted hot wings and he ordered all of denvers best hot wings. The cauliflower wings were way better, but the sauce was a win. He’s the best at taking care of me and I can’t wait to be with him every day. I love you.
  • Speaking of wings, baby is definitely vegetarian because meat of any kind STILL makes me want to lose my mind. Insert green vomit emoji here.
  • Berry Shakes- Daily. Isagenix has been a go-to since 2014 and this has been the only thing that has given me consistent nutrients throughout these first 7 weeks.
  • I was able to workout 5 days straight this week. That also included a private rooftop yoga event that was paired with a silent disco. We all wore headphones and it was brilliant.
  • I have tried to make meditation a daily piece of my practice.
  • The weather has been exceptional. It was in the low 50’s the other night, I was FREEZING and it made everything in me so so happy!
  • Kitty: She has called every day, she checks on babes. Her nickname for baby has become “Ovie,” since I am essentially an Oven, baking little nugget. So since she did end up naming my very first fur baby, Poochini, I’m gonna give her Ovie until Ovie is born and then Andrew and I will make any permanent decisions from there.
  • Ma- She asks how I’m doing and follows it up with “well I was never sick. With you or Kori.  You need oatmeal.” I haven’t made it to the store yet ma, but I love you.
  • Sar- She reminds the dogs that she is their favorite because she wouldn’t dare think of replacing them with a human baby. Bitch please. Also because she sits with me even when we order cake and I straight up drool on the table.
    I’m gonna miss you.

Life. Who knew we’d be here. We started from nada now we here. I’m feeling extra lucky.
I’m just super anxious to be home with Andrew, a solid OB, a backyard for the girls, family close by, and this first trimester to be over so I can eat and feel alive again.

Happy Saturday!

     

My first Bumpdate: Week 6- July 27

6 Week Recap.

It’s been six, surreal, short, and yet the longest weeks that I can remember ever living.  I have experienced more emotions than I thought was humanly possible in these first few weeks. Poor Andrew, he has been the solid grounding, level headed man of my life, while dealing with all of my crazy. While he was crying out of pure joy when the test results were positive, my joy shifted in to…’ well now what do we have to do to be together and get life moving in this direction.’ Stress ensued, the fear of ‘what if.’ The stress of knowing I’m high risk and just simply praying I can keep this little soul, allowed the joy of such an incredible miracle to be completely overshadowed. Shame on me. I was told I would probably never be able to get pregnant and in the slight chance that I could, the pregnancy would be considered high risk and difficult to carry.  Babe is a miracle and I have never been so beside myself as I am these days.

So the update:

First 6 weeks:

Chest pain. Workouts were immediately difficult and I was sweating so much more than normal during routine workouts.   Don’t get me wrong, I pour sweat typically, but I was drenched in sweat almost immediately, and winded, every time.  Nausea ensued and my workouts dwindled to a few, very mild workouts a week.

Hormones: emotional rollercoaster, my boobs are already a 36D- I really hope they have reached max capacity. Gahhhhh! Pain!

Morning sickness: 6 weeks on the dot.. I haven’t thrown up, but I have been wheezy and it’s lasted more than just throughout the mornings. It’s on and off throughout the day. Figures.
Appetite and workouts have lessened even more since week 6 hit.

Cravings: are insane. And I am only craving shit. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to eat spaghetti squash ever again. I made a lot of it. I ate a bowl of it. And I had to ask Andrew to throw it out bc I couldn’t handle the sight of it. #Super #whatishappening? I had a less than crunchy pickle and now the thought of those make me want to throw up.
I want pizza, Cheese fries, and hot cauliflower wings, Toast and bagels from my local natropath. Meat makes me nauseated. I’m repulsed by it. Chicken, beef, no. Baby in first trimester is apparently all on board with the vegan lifestyle.

Energy: I am exhausted. Like I am trying not to sleep all day, but the first few days of week 6.. I have slept.. all day. Heavy eyes, nauseated, thank you God for giving me space to lay in bed while I am feeling terrible.
I saw my natropath up the street here in Denver and he treated me with acupuncture which has helped tremendously with my energy levels, my eyes are able to stay open without force, but the moment I close them.. I’m out.

Future plans!

I am moving home to be with my Andrew, With my family who I can’t imagine doing this without, and my solid community of love I have in the AZ valley. I am actually so ready for this. I’m embracing it and I’m excited to be going home with the people who love me so much, who I love so much. And bonus::: I’m so grateful I get to be pregnant throughout the holidays. Yessssss, #Thanksgiving #sweatpants

After meeting with the worlds WORST OB here in Denver, I am beyond words to be going home to my own, but In the meantime, this worlds worst referred me to a hematologist.

In 2006, I threw a PE shower, or pulmonary emboli- shower.  Within a half an hour of an onset of a PE( or blood clot within your lungs) death is an actual factor.
I was admitted for 7 days in the hospital where I was given blood thinners both Coumadin and shots to my belly of Lovenox.
So my (thankfully)  amazing hematologist here in Denver, prescribed me lovenox without hesitation. A shot I will have to take every 24 hours throughout the duration of my pregnancy.

Since beginning the shots, my chest pain has subsided and my body seems to be regulating a little more in that regard.  I am so excited to be 6 weeks in, but if this nausea lasts for even the rest of this trimester, well… I guess we know baby is still doing its thing, right?  So I shouldn’t complain.

HELLO BABY!

Ice, Ice Baby…

 BABIES GONNA HAVE BACK….

If you would have asked me a year ago where you thought I would be in a year… I would never have told you here.  HOWEVER.  I didn’t have my Andrew quite yet either.

I was told over and over again that the odds of me ever being able to carry my own child was low.  Of course that seems like a typical lecture these days.  Yet here I am 16 weeks, 4 months pregnant, with a little nugget.

Andrew and I hung out for the very first time outside of work on Monday, November 14, 2016.  He was fresh out of a 9 year marriage, and I was just a few months out of mine.  That evening it was a total ice cream- hang out as friends only- eve, there were zero intentions of either of us falling in to something more.  He told me he wanted to go to a bunch of concerts, EDC,  get a tattoo, travel anywhere and everywhere.  He also told me he never wanted to have any other kids because of what he had thought his divorce had done to his son, Lincoln.  He was certain he never wanted to get married again.  My thoughts were this: “He seems great, and he also seems as though he’s going through a quarter life crisis, I’ll have to find some friends for him.”  Well after that night we never stopped talking.

Fast forward to January of 2017, the conversation of “I want to have kids with you,” became a regular one.  And even though in the back of my mind I had the “I’m not sure if it could actually happen,” I never let it sneak to the forefront.  I was adamant about having kids, I was more sure of wanting kids with Andrew than I had ever been before.  Once I met Lincoln, that thought was solidified.

So after I moved away for a “I need to do this for me,” escape to Denver, along with a lot of ups and downs that accompany a long distance relationship, it was Andrew I was certain of.  I was busy running from my own crap, which is why I think my decision to move to Denver was so set.  But he forced me to work through them, at the expense of a lot of heart ache for the both of us, I needed him.

We flew off to Hawaii in the midst of it all, we shot out a post regarding an elopement because EVERYONE was up our asses about it.  We thought we’d drop that bomb before we shut our phones off for take off.  The response was epic.  But we never really intended on doing so, we had a loose plan of marrying 11.11.2018.  And instead of actually eloping, we ended up with a Hawaiian souvenir we will cherish for the rest of our lives.  Our little Hawaiian Miracle.

Everything happened exactly as it was supposed to.   THis perfect little bundle is Due March of 2018.

We couldn’t be happier, I couldn’t feel more grateful for this little piece of magic, the support and love of our friends and family.   I am just over the moon.


It’s September!

invest in your life

I have so much on my mind, and although it shows that I haven’t posted anything since May, I have a TON of updates I have been drafting and saving. I have just been waiting for the right time to post them.

Life has been better than I could have ever anticipated. 2017 in numerology, is a 1. 1 represents new beginnings and that has been filling all of my 2017 from start to finish and I couldn’t be more grateful.

So wait for ittttt! It’s coming. <3

#ALoverOfTheLight

Love.

IMG_9710

I know it has been a minute since I last posted, but I’m here! I’m all settled in my new cozy apartment, in my new city, all of which I have the privilege of now calling home.

I left Arizona sprinting. I couldn’t drive away fast enough. A month prior to my move I was stifling myself. I couldn’t keep myself afloat and I eventually broke. I have never felt defeat as I had in those last few weeks. It wasn’t that I was ill in anyway, then again, maybe I was. I was so focused on meeting everyone else’s needs, I had simply forgotten my own. In a sense, I had allowed myself to get lost amongst the chaos of the people who filled my life. I allowed myself to drown in the needs of others.

So-this post really has nothing to do with me, but more so an extension of myself. I know for most of you, you have seen the updates on my life over this past year. I try not to paint a picture of a perfect life. My main goal is to keep it real and to keep it simple. But for those of you who haven’t- here’s a quick overview: just over a year ago my now ex-husband and I chose to separate and eventually divorce. As much love as I have for Kasey, this decision was primitive for me. This decision was pivotal for all that was to come, all that is to come. During a marriage you can very easily see how your future is going to play out, or at least you have an idea or some projection of it. Once we separated I saw nothing. Not in a bad way, but in a scary, limitless, -the world is your oyster- kind of way.

Since then I have dated on and off. I was broken more in the relationships that followed my divorce than I probably ever had been in my marriage or relationships leading up to that. Collectively, all of my relationships, good and bad, led me to Andrew. Through all of my bullshit there stood Andrew. I met him in February of 2014. I MET him. He and I were both contractors through Boeing. He was on site 5 days a week,while I was only there for an hour at a time, three days a week at most. I saw him regularly for years before we ever actually had a real conversation. I was married, he was married, and if you meet Andrew you’ll more than likely be met with a similar vibe to the one I was met with. A distant, very business-like, no bullshit mentality. Our conversations were vague, short and sweet; Usually about work or the most significant conversation I recall was the one of him asking me if I was satisfied with the “please don’t wear shoes when using the yoga mats” sign he had posted for me. It was all business. Interestingly enough we had both married the same year(2007), divorced the same year(2016), had been working for the same company for the same amount of time, but based on the simple conversations we had, I never in a million years would have expected to be where I am with him now. Never.

So not knowing a thing about me, he started a simple conversation as he escorted me through fort knox, which we call Boeing, back to the fitness facility. He asked what I did over the weekend. This was a shock, and I was surprised he wanted to communicate so I gladly obliged; “well. I moved in with mom and dad. So at 31, that’s exciting news.” He laughed and followed it with a- “Do you mind me asking why you moved in with your parents?” I bluntly stated; “Well, my husband and I divorced, and after living with my best friend and her husband over the summer, it was just time for me to go home.” And with a simple “OK” and a head nod, that’s how the conversation ended.

Things went on as usual for another couple of months before he actually reached out via text. I was short with my response because I suspected that’s all he wanted. Eventually texting lead to him showing up at my part time job with two pints of Halo Top Ice cream. HA! Key to my heart. That’s when he opened up to me, he told me his entire story: growing up, marriage, divorce, what was next, and what was next? But that night was a night of pure resistance for me. He was hilarious and he opened up to me more than anyone has ever before, Especially spending any amount of one on one time with someone for the first time. I couldn’t believe how much he had confided in me being we had talked so little leading up to this point. I was in hysterics the entire night. I kept defaulting back to “please don’t fall for this guy, he is so not your type.” What was my type anyway? He was funny and smart and he just.. understood me, without explanation. Things were easy from that night on. I had no idea I could communicate so freely with anyone other than my very best girlfriends before he showed up.

Our texting didn’t stop, but sleep did. I stayed up every night until my eyes couldn’t stay open another second. I would wake up early just to roll over and check my phone because I knew he was up before me. As much as technology has ruined me, I am grateful for it every day. So like a 15 year old, my mornings and nights and every free moment during the days were consumed with him. He was/is the sweetest, most open, most loving man I have ever had the privilege of dating.

Regardless, I was up and down with him in the beginning because I was suffering PTSD from prior relationships. I was honest about it, I was broken and I couldn’t give him what he ultimately deserved. But he was adamant about sticking around. He stuck around. I couldn’t figure out why, and as much as I fought it, I am so thankful he did.

When you meet him, he’s quiet, he’s reserved, a thinker and very observant. He is very much the opposite of me. I love hugs and laughter and exuberant hi’s and hellos! I have forced him out of his comfort zone a lot. Without me saying anything and because He understands the importance of the humans I’ve filled my life with, he’s forced himself to greet my people with a hug rather than just a quiet hi.
He is my perfect balance.
He encourages moments when I fly, he stands by in situations when I fall. He’s always watching and absorbing. Without judgement. He notices my interactions; he notices my energy output as well as what I take in. He keeps my best interest in mind all of the time. He has my back when my energy falters. He has been the quietest of cheerleaders, he is my biggest fan. He has been the guy in the background who wants to lift me, and when I’m falling, catch me. He has been the guy who sees who I truly am good and really terrible and he has been accepting and loving of all of me. Through all the crazy, he is completely in love with all of me. He doesn’t try to manipulate or change me, he just sees me. He sneaks in to grab me when he sees me trip up a bit or pulls the food out of my hair when I am (commonly) a mess. He’s beautiful. He wants me to be me and succeed in all that it means to be me, without taking away, without standing in front me of, he just simply allows it and stands by me through all of it.

I moved to Colorado leaving his heart in shambles, but never once did he try to stop me. Were there moments of defeat and doubt? 1000’s, on both ends. Not in the giving up sort of way, but the “Why are you leaving me?” sort of way. Rightfully so. He was watching me drown in Phoenix, and beyond his wants and needs, instead of bailing, he jumped in the deep end and swam beside me. He kept my head above water. He kept me breathing until I could leave Arizona, until I could breathe on my own, he was breathing for me. Colorado brought me a sense of renewal. He is suffering because of my decision, but he has never wavered. Times have been exhausting and trying, but it has built us stronger than ever.

I am writing all of this because people tend to be judgmental. I have allowed their judgement to cloud my own. I am here in Colorado because deep down inside of me I knew I needed this. I needed to escape and start over. I am here because the people who love me the most believed in me and supported me. Andrew was my main pillar through that. He could have easily tried to sabotage this experience. He could have made this decision harder on me than it ever was, but he chose not to. Yea, we struggle. Long Distance is crap. But he chooses me, he chooses to love me every single day, harder than I have ever been loved before. Through all of this I can’t help but love him even harder right back. He loves me, he builds me, he throws me over his shoulders when I can’t walk on my own and he carries me. He looks at me, he sees me and with tears running down his face he tells me how much I mean to him. He writes me poems and love letters; he plays the “I am grateful for…” game with me every day. When I’m unbalanced and unsure he encourages me to listen to my clearings from My mama Maly, to work on my letter declarations, to string malas and if he can in any way support me, he does. He snuggles me, he hugs me hard and in public he is never afraid to grab my hand, my waist or my face to kiss it. He tells me how much he loves me every moment he gets. He is exactly as my best friend Sam describes him; a Nicholas Sparks movie. He is so unreal I often times find myself waiting for something to go wrong. Truth, He is difficult and stubborn at times, but so am I. Regardless of the mess we create he sticks by me and loves me through and through-he loves All of me.
I could go on and on here, but I haven’t even touched on my favorite thing about him.. or better yet, my favorite extension of him; his son, Lincoln. My love for Andrew is great, but my love for Lincoln is borderline greater.

The idea of dating a man with children was a terrifying yet potential reality, but in my mind it was always a hard ‘no’ .. before I found Andrew anyway. Lincoln has squeezed my heart like I have never been squeezed before and all of my reservations on dating someone with children were immediately squashed. He is the most brilliant tiny human I have ever encountered and he loves more purely than anyone I have ever met. He just gives it. Lincoln is just like me in that sense. His dad is silent and reserved, while Lincoln is open and social and befriends everyone he comes in to contact with. If the world operated more like free spirited 5 year old’s and puppies, the world would be over flowing with the greatest love.

I will leave it at that for now. As the Rockies turn bright pink from the reflection of the sunrise, I find myself grateful on this bright day in May. And I felt the world should know it. I love you, Andrew. I’m so happy you refused to give up on me.

“The sun always relied on the moon. She simply could not breathe without him.”

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Remember that time…

When I promised I knew big things were coming, but I hadn’t yet established what those “big things,” were…

Yea. SURPRISE! I figured it out. One was that I’m all in for everything I want to do as long as my heart is fully on board. So here we are.

“I need to move in to Denver, I just need to do it, I just have to find a roommate. I was really so disappointment when Scott didn’t get the job because I really had this feeling I was going to be with someone I knew and was familiar with. Someone I could just be myself with completely from the beginning.” -My life long Best, Sara.

“well. Why not me?”-Me

The end.

So to kick start off my 2017, I found the most amazing human to claim as mine. :::Because we all know how I love to claim my people.:::
And Then I’m bailing on him as well as my other people for a new adventure up in the Rockies. I couldn’t be more freaking excited.

I’m moving the end of April, but I”ll be back. So for all of my people… please don’t fret.

I love you. CHEERS! To new Beginnings! and CHEERS to 2017!
Side Note: I’m keeping Andrew. Don’t get it twisted.