What you seek, is seeking you- Rumi

 


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After 10 weeks in a boot, some physical therapy and a swollen hand in a splint for another 3 weeks,  my time in black boots and casts has officially come to a close.

This is a little behind because with a hand injury, washing my right arm was a task, let alone typing.  Who knew you needed your pinky’s for so many keys when typing?  Seriously.  In fact, who knew you rely upon your non dominant hand as heavily and as often as you actually do? I guess this all falls under the theme of: You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Interestingly enough, each of my injuries were simply manifestations from my life in its entirety.  I was having issues moving forward in life because I felt the very opposite.  I felt held back and repressed from doing anything I thought I might be good at, afraid of pushing for something unknown, but I also felt completely stuck.  (Ah, leg injury). Well that boot was a part of my life for far too long, I eventually got the hint.  My hand had everything to do with the aftermath of my emotional madness.

Breathing life back in to myself after separating from my (ex)husband (and most recently, divorce) and regaining strength in those areas of my life  I thought I had lost, have all been such significant pieces of the rebuilding process.  I know time and love will be all that’s needed in order to heal, and I’m in that place where I would change nothing.  Literally, Nothing.  I am here to live fully and love whole heartedly, no regrets, not seeking answers, just pure surrender and trust that God will be there to hold me up.  Undoubtedly, he has.  He has provided me all of his best of the best Earth Angels to surround me and hold me in a safe space during this time and here I am;  Full, alive, happy and lighter than I have felt in such a long time.

Life is good, life is really, really good- this is in no way an over exaggeration and I am indebted to those angels mentioned above, but also know, this decision was mutual.  Although I have never experienced such a feeling of brokenness, of heaviness, I have, at the same time, never felt so whole, so complete, all the things I feel today.  Everything with time.  Kasey and I didn’t end anything on bad terms, there was no big ah-ha!  We ended with humble hearts, respect, kindness and a lot of love towards one another.   I suppose if you are going to experience something so life altering, doing so together with dignity is my preferred method of an ending.  Why should I be angry when my path has ultimately lead me here?  This is where I am supposed to be, I’m certain of it.  I am grateful for him as much as I am for anyone and everyone else who has been a part of my journey.  I am filled with gratitude.image

Everything is temporary, Never stop seeking fire.

“It’s hard to believe that it’s wrong to want more than the truest of blue and a love like a roar, I will run to wherever I want to go… ” -New Constellations/Ryn Weaver

tHank you for your love, your support, and for reading.  All of my love and with so much gratitude, always…🙏🏼🙌🏼❤️

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Pictured above was the night I went to the hospital for my hand, combined with the morning after brunch with my Kylie.  She and her husband, Ryan have been everything to me throughout this process.  I was In a state of bewilderment and complete defeat… This collage of photos .. Up until this point, represents the most exhausting, most broken, most unbelievable days in this history of my life.  I tried to record everything I could in real time because in general my life is usually sitting pretty, somewhere at a high between 8-10 on a scale of -50 to 10. So I found myself enjoying those real shitty moments more so than I thought I could ever.  I knew when I came back I would be more grateful tHan I ever could have imagined.  The amount of pain I was in physically, emotionally and mentally were completely blowing my mind.  So documented,  these days were.  And today I am at a level 15 on that same scale.  I am just so in awe of life, I am so in love with life.

As it states above: “be open to it being way better than you could have ever imagined.” And so it is. 🙏🏼

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Comments

  1. Suzanne says:

    Lovely post sweet Kiley. BTW — I love lemon cake!

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